Hear me out. In a society that is slowly but surely evolving toward the de-stigmatization of mental illness, why do we still use the term “narcissist” as a slur? Why are we still even saying “narcissist”? Given the current preference for person-first language, shouldn’t we be saying “person with narcissistic personality disorder?” or even “person with NPD”? Why do we support people with all the other psychiatric conditions but people with NPD get labeled as their disease and slandered?
Imagine hearing someone say, “Ugh, I’m so glad I broke up with that autistic.”
Imagine seeing posts on social media listing all the ways that people with any other psychological illness make your life worse. “Anxious people will rudely ignore your phone call and never make eye contact. Schizophrenics are always pulling you into their weird delusions. Bulimics will eat all the food in your house and then just vomit it up. So wasteful!”
Imagine seeing articles with titles like “Avoid Dating Depressives: Watch For These Red Flags!”
Most people would be appalled, and rightfully so.
Accuracy In Speech
Narcissistic personality disorder is a medical diagnosis that can only be made by a licensed psychiatrist. We’ve learned that it’s both incorrect and unhelpful to casually use psychological diagnoses to explain our quirks or personality traits. We no longer say, “I’m so OCD!” when what we mean is “I like things to be orderly and spend more time cleaning than most folks I know.” It would be offensive to say “He’s being bipolar” when what you mean to say is that he is being moody. A conscientious person would certainly never call someone a “schizo” if they were behaving erratically.
Granted, the meaning of the word narcissist has evolved. For much of history, it did simply mean vain, in reference to the Greek myth of Narcissus, who drowned when he couldn’t stop staring at his own reflection. However, NPD was first introduced to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) in 1980. With a national average age of 38, that’s before most of the people in the USA were even born.
Now that you feel old, what I’m trying to say is that we’ve had time to adapt. You don’t need to think too hard to come up with words that have changed their meanings over time. English is a living language, and like it or not, that means sometimes we need to update our vernacular.
Support, Not Stigma
People with NPD, much like people with other psychological illnesses, are prone to higher rates of depression, suicide, substance use disorders, and body dismorphia. That sounds like the kind of people who should be encouraged to seek therapy and other treatments, including medication when deemed necessary by a psychiatrist. Not dragged through the mud. People with NPD are, first and foremost, people.
A Bad Relationship Does Not a Diagnosis Make
Rejection and loss hurt. A lot. When you’ve put in the time and emotional labor to open yourself up to another person, share your innermost thoughts and feelings, and even allow yourself to hope that you might have found a partner, having that all be for naught is quite a letdown. When someone rejects us, we experience a whole range of emotions, sometimes all at once. While running this emotional gamut, we might fall victim to the urge to cling onto one of the many coping mechanisms to avoid the pain and heartache that we have to get through before we reach acceptance.
If only we could just explain, surely they would see they’ve made a mistake.
They didn’t deserve me, they were way below my league.
Or, of course, They were a narcissist.
If you get stuck in the third example, confirmation bias will soon kick in and you’ll be able to come up with countless examples of times your former partner was vain or selfish as evidence of your diagnosis. That’s the thing about emotional intimacy: if you’re doing it right, you’re seeing the whole person. The good and the bad. That gives you plenty of fodder for accusations of narcissism when things fall apart. Soon, all you remember about your relationship, and about a person you once loved, is the bad and none of the good, all in an attempt to protect yourself from feeling hurt. Who’s being narcissistic now?
Naturally, it is entirely possible that the person in question actually does have NPD. Maybe they hurt you, used you, exploited you emotionally, or worse. That certainly does not make it your responsibility to stay in an abusive relationship or to fix things. You are not a psychiatrist, and if you are, you shouldn’t be dating your clients anyway. Abuse is abuse, and should not be tolerated by anyone, regardless of any mental illnesses, diagnosed or not. It is not my intention to in any way justify abuse by people with NPD. It is only my intention that we talk about people and their psychological diagnoses with accuracy. If you are in an abusive relationship, I would strongly encourage you to leave. You can feel compassion and even love for a person who has abused you, but please do so from a safe distance.
That said, next time you want to complain about that self-centered person at work or the unbelievably vain person you went on a date with, please consider using language that accurately conveys what you want to say without harmful labels. And if someone you know has been diagnosed with NPD, have enough respect for their privacy to allow them to choose with whom and how to share the details of their medical history. People are more than their diseases, even if their disease makes them difficult to deal with.
