Why You Should Stop Saying Sorry and Start Saying What You Mean
Saying sorry in the wrong situations cheapens the meaning of an important word and makes everyone feel bad. Stop it. Say what you mean.
What are my credentials for making these suggestions? I have none. I am simply a person with a pet peeve and a keyboard, and of course you are free to ignore me and continue apologizing to your heart’s content.
That said, let’s go through the most common situations in which people use sorry, and how choosing a more accurate alternative can improve your self-esteem and brighten the other person’s day.
Pardon Me
This is what you say if you clip someone’s shoulder while walking by, or need to get past someone who is unaware that you’re waiting for them to make space.
Whoops, I’ve intruded on your personal space.
Oop, would you mind scootching over just a smidge?
Sorry in this situation is depressing. Sorry for existing. Sorry for taking up space. Sorry to force you to share space with me, even if only for an instant.
Sorry in this situation is rude. Now the other person feels bad because you feel bad, and it puts them in the uncomfortable situation of coming up with an appropriate response. It’s all right? No worries?
Excuse Me
This is how you get someone’s attention. Waiters, cashiers, someone you’re asking for directions. Sorry in this situation starts an exchange off on the wrong foot and sets up expectations of negativity.
Beginning a conversation with sorry is putting yourself at an immediate disadvantage as well because many people, whether consciously or unconsciously, feel a flavor of contempt when someone apologizes. Harrumph, yeah, I’m right and you’re wrong.
Though charitable and kind people know how to accept an apology with grace, many people are not charitable and kind, and again, you’re not actually apologizing. You’re starting a conversation.
Thank You
This is what you say when someone holds a door for you, moves their grocery cart over so you can squeeze past, gives you their seat on the bus, etc.
Sorry in this situation is selfish. Someone was feeling kind and did something nice to help you out and your sorry is confusing, inappropriate, and ingrateful. You are stealing the positive regard spotlight from their good deed and dimming it to a pity party.
Oh no, I’ve forced someone else to help me, boo hoo.
Their kindness deserves to be rewarded with a thank you, not dragged down with an undue apology.
Before a Hot Take
If you feel the need to apologize before saying something, don’t say it.
Sorry, but no one wants to hear whatever mean or rude thing you were going to say.
Sorry, but keep it to yourself.
Sorry in this situation is fake and passive-aggressive. It is the antithesis of what it is meant to be: a sincere expression of sympathy. or regret interwoven with a humble plea for forgiveness.
Remember the golden rule: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. And if you have a valid, fixable complaint to make, by all means just flag down the responsible person with a confident excuse me and state the issue calmly and clearly.
Excuse me, it’s really cold in here. Would you mind turning down the AC?
I’m Sorry
This is what you say when you’ve done something, accidentally or on purpose, to injure someone else, either physically or emotionally, or damage something that belongs to them.
The other situation in which sorry is the right thing to say is those awful times when there’s nothing else to say. Someone you care about has suffered a loss or defeat. Your heart aches for them, and you want them to know that they are not alone. Use the sympathetic I’m sorry without platitudes, without trying to find the bright side. I’m sorry is powerful enough to stand on its own.
When you save your sorries for when they’re needed, they’ll come out feeling and sounding more impactful and genuine.
Why It Matters
Words are powerful. Psychologists will tell you that positive self-talk can change your life. Parenting experts say the words we use with our children become their inner voice. The words we use with others can linger and resurface years or decades later in memories of regret or injustice or pride or confidence.
Words are how we take the thoughts and feelings inside our brains and hearts and transfer them into other people. Let’s be sure we’re transferring the right things.
